Relationships: Loving Someone

* Excuse the typos

 

When you are a teenager you deal with a lot of changes. When you are an adult you still go through a lot of changes. There are so many things you wonder about your whole life. One of those questions are “What is Love?” I don’t think a lot of people know the actual definition of love. You can see this when 50% of marriages end up in divorce. While I hope most people get a divorce for the right reasons like spousal abuse or maybe trust issues but there are other people who get a divorce because they’re spouse is sick or because the spouse snoring or anything like that.

Do people still think love is only a feeling? Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice and, a action. A choice that bonds 2 people together like some kind of powerful force. Love is when you care about someone, you will do anything for them, and, take care of them. When you love someone, you are there for them. When you love someone you protect them. When you love someone you make sacrifices for them. Love is hard and, needs to be nurtured as years go on. Which is why a lot of teenagers break up and, don’t stay together. They are not ready to make those sacrifices and, make that kind of commitment.

“Love is like Friendship on Fire” from the movie The Perfect Man. The movie sucked but this quote is spot on and always stuck with me

You can’t expect love to be passionate and, romantic all the time. You have to have that friendship as the base. Once that fire burns out, that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. You can always start the romance back up again if you find the time but it doesn’t have to be anything big.

Sometimes I wonder if adults are ready for that kind of commitment. If they were, why do they get a divorce all the time. What is that teaching the next generation? “It’s fine to get married but if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay you can just get a divorce.”

Communication is key! Very good communication. Your need to communicate with your spouse. That could be a reason why a lot of people get a divorce. We have horrible communication skills. You should never yell or belittle anyone you love. If you do please stop. Talk it out.

Sacrifices: I will like to tell you two stories about sacrifice

There was this couple who met when they were teenagers. Lets name them Johnny and, Tiffany to keep their identities anonymous. They started dating in high school, and they fell in love. Tiffany family had to move away to another state but they did not break up. They started a long distance relationship. He drove over some weekends with his parents permission to visit her. That went on until they graduated from high school. When they became adults, they got married. Now they are married for 12 years and, have 2 kids. This story shows sacrifice in my opinion because Johnny and, Tiffany were young. Johnny had a choice to date other people and, so did Tiffany. Why would they make those kind of sacrifices at a young age? Because they loved each other and still do. They wanted to be together, so the did everything they could together.

Now the next story is about my experience with love and, sacrifice. I have this friend. Lets call him Dave. I had a crush on him all through high school. We laughed together, flirted, hung out etc. A year after we got out of high school, he told me he was gay. I was heartbroken, I thought we were going to get married. I had fantasies about us being together. In my head I had two choices. Stop being his friend because it hurt so much that I would never be with him, or keep on being his friend and, be there for him every step of the way. I let him go, but keep on being his friend. He was never going to like me the way that I liked him. If I was a true friend and, if I really cared about him, I had to continue to be his friend. It’s not his fault that he was gay. It was just the way it is. To me that was a sacrifice that I made. I wanted to stay his friend because I loved him. He was there for me when I needed him, so it was time for me to be there for him and, be supportive because I loved him.

People say true love hurts. While it shouldn’t hurt in an abusive way, it does hurt in other ways. Like when you find out your spouse or lover is terminally ill or if your spouse or lover dies. Or if your spouse or lover is just having a gloomy day and, they don’t want to talk to you about it yet. It hurts. It hurts to see the person you love sad. I can relate to that. I hated to see my mother cry. I loved her so much. I hated to see her in and, out of the mental hospital. I hated to see her be afraid of my dad. To see her like that really hurt me. It’s okay to admit that love hurts in that kind of way.

Everyone is capable of loving. Everyone is capable of being loved. Just because you have been abused or treated unfairly in a previous relationship you can love again. There are so many good people in this world than bad. I honestly think so and guarantee it. The only problem with a lot of people in this world today is they don’t know what love is and, they are cynical about it. Love is real!

You can see it when a parent holds their children hand walking to the park. You can see it when a brother tries to make his sister laugh at his jokes. You can see it at a soup kitchen where people give up there time to help other eat their meal. You can see it when a teenager teach an elementary school child how to read. You can see it when you see a person play with their dog. You can see it when a boyfriend decides to pick up his sweetie from work without complaining. You can see it everywhere. In a world where it feels like there is no hope, you can always find love.

You are ready to be in a committed relationship or even married if you love others because if you love others, treat others like decent human beings and, if you serve others in need without expecting anything in return. You are ready to find the love of your life because if you do those things for other. Imagine what you can do for your significant other.

Will you do something for me? If you have a crush on someone or interested in someone. Or maybe you just entered into a relationship. Don’t tell them that you love them that would be creepy but show them that you care and, show them that you love them because that is what love is a choice. They may not say it and, know how to express it in words but they would feel very warm inside. They will feel loved.

 

 

 

Your Happily Ever After: How to take Responsibility of Your Own Happiness

 

 

 

 

 

 

Earlier this week I wrote a blog about how you don’t need a boyfriend to make you happy. You are in charge of your own happiness. No other man can make you happy. Same thing goes for the men, no other woman will make you happiness. This is actually how relationships fail because people depend on their partner to make them happy.

What inspired me to write this blog post is that I went to the Department of Human Services today and, let me tell you something there were a lot of miserable people there. I know that this place is the last place a person wants to be but there should be some happiness. What really disappointed me in the welfare office, that the employees at the desk acted like they didn’t even care. They weren’t even happy.

I’m pretty sure most of the people who follow my blog are  suffering through trials right now we all do but we need to make ourselves happy. Happiness will help us overcome our trials.

There are five ingredients to happiness:

Optimism

Gratitude

Mindfulness

Hope

Spirituality

Those five things will help you be happy. Those are the things you need to be happy. You see how having a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, career, how much weight you lose, how much money you make is not on the list. That is not saying those things are important but we shouldn’t rely on those things to make us happy. We should use the five ingredients to make you happy and, never lose them.

You will probably never have a spouse, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, the career that you want, or make a lot of money you can even lose these things but you will never lose optimism, gratitude, mindfulness, hope, and, spirituality if you decide to keep that in your life. None of these five things cost a thing.

If you have depression, you can seek help and get treatment. If you have an unhappy situation you are in and, it’s possible for you can change that then change it. Those 5 ingredient will actually help you change it

I will go in depth about these 5 ingredients in another blog, Trust me these five ingredients will help you. We all have trials going on in our lives but it’s possible to stay happy. Once you choose to be happy, there will be a “Happily Ever After”

 

Mental Illness and, Domestic Violence: My Mothers Story

I will like to tell you another story about what happened in my childhood. My mother was a strong woman when I was little. She use to dress really nice and, she had a great career. She knew what she wanted and, in my eyes she was a fearless woman. Until the abuse began and, she started isolating herself and, was becoming worried a lot. She also had a lot of anxiety attacks and, there were days where she just stayed in bed. She also started to miss work and, she cry a lot. In 2001 or 2002 she was taken to the hospital. What happened was that she got in an “argument” with my father that day and, she was having an anxiety attack. She wanted to calm herself down and, she took too many pills. My neighbor at the time was worried so she took her to the hospital and my mom stayed there for a few days.

I was 8 years old at the time and, I was so worried. I think I cried the whole time she was away. This wasn’t the last time she went to the hospital. My mother has bipolar, depression, and, anxiety most likely because of the abuse. She takes 11 different medications. I also have depression and, I also have PTSD (Post traumatic stress).

My mom isn’t the only women who has an mental illness because of Domestic Violence. 50% of women who are living with mental illness suffered from some kind of trauma. That trauma can be sexual assault or physical abuse.

My mother is still a very strong woman.  There are some days she doesn’t like to do anything, there are others where she cries and get stressed out a lot. She cannot work in the workforce anymore. She receives disability. She wants to work again but her doctor says that is not a very good idea. I don’t know our lives is ever going to get back to normal again but we are trying to take it day by day. All I can tell you we are happier now than where we were 11 years ago.

http://www.fcadv.org/projects-programs/trauma-mental-health-domestic-violence

Afraid to have My Heartbroken: The affects of domestic violence

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I have this tremendous fear of relationships. I’m afraid that he would be a cheater, I’m afraid that he would be a jerk, I’m afraid that he would be abusive. Physical, emotional, and mental abusive. I don’t think a lot of people worry about that, they just dive right into relationships but I do. The reason why I’m afraid of relationships because my mother use to be in a abusive relationship with my father. I witness the abuse. I hate my dad and love him too. It is a strange feeling to hate and love someone. I feel that he ruin our lives. When my mother left my father, we had to go to a shelter. I was 10 years old at the time. When we left the shelter we had to go on welfare. Our church helped us out and, if it wasn’t for them I would not know where we will be. I had visitations with my dad for a year until one night, he came to our apartment unexpectedly, and he wanted to take me somewhere. My mother said no because she was making me a salad for dinner. My father didn’t like that and he got angry. They were arguing with one another and, then he punched her. He beat  her up really bad that night. The police came to the house and told my mom to file a restraining order. Haven’t seen him ever since. In November it would mark 10 years of not seeing my father.

After that experience you can say, I don’t trust many people. I don’t even trust them to be my friend. How can I trust to be in a relationship with anyone? I have friends but they wouldn’t understand the hurt I’ve been through. Their families are not perfect but they are both healthy and happy. They are not dysfunctional like mine. I can’t tell them about the pain. I see a therapist and, that works.

Well about my love life. I never had a boyfriend. That is not my choice, it just never happened. I never had a boyfriend on my 20 years on this earth. I have had crushes on guys before. One of the boys name was BM, he was my best friend but it turns out he was gay. Then I had a crush on was BB but he never paid any attention to me. I guess because of my experience I had with my father, I became unapproachable. Men don’t know exactly what happened in my life but they sense some kind of shyness or anger I have which makes me unapproachable to them. I think the real reason why I had a crush on BM because he was safe. I always knew he was gay even before he came out of the closet but I didn’t care. I was secretly hoping that he was just a really feminine straight guy but he was not. I was comfortable around him and, he was my friend I can be myself around and, that is why I developed feelings for him. He was nothing like my father at all. BB on the other hand scares me. He actually looks like a Calvin Klein model. The scary thing about BB is besides him being really sexy is that he reminds me of my father. He doesn’t look like my dad and I don’t think he is violent or abusive. It’s just that they share the same sense of humor and they are into the same kind of music which is rap music. My dad use to recite rap lyrics in the car. BB does the same. While BB is not abusive, my father and him share personality traits. It’s hard to explain. Even though BB is a nice guy, he just reminds me too much of my father and, I’m scared of that.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared to date and, that is not because I have social anxiety, it is because I can’t trust a person. People are like “You have to date! That is how you meet other people, and that is how you know if that person is good for you or not.” They may say things like you just need to look for the signs before you get into a relationship with or marry them even. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the abuse between my parents did not start until two years after they got married. Did your parent marry too young? Did your parent marry only 3 months after they met? No. My parent dated for 3 years before they got married. Both in their late 20s. My father started off to be charming and caring but he became an abuser.

Like I said, I see a therapist. While she can help me with overcoming what I been through. I feel that she can’t help me with read guys and know if the are abusive. She can’t help me be fooled by a mans charm. She can’t help me do those things. I actually want to date, and I actually want to be in a relationship but I am scared to do so.  That is not happening. I don’t trust myself to find a guy and, I don’t trust anyone. Well, I wrote this blog because I am not the only person who is going through this. I’m not the only one who is going through this and, someone can benefit from this. My father was the first man to break my heart. How many people can say that? There father was the first man to break their heart. He abused my mother. Most people say it’s been 10 years move on but I can’t he’s my dad. He’s the first man to hold me in his arms. Let me tell you something if the first man that broke your heart is your father, without professional help, you are messed up for life. At least that is how it feels, and it does feel that right now. When the first man that broke your heart is your father your relationship with men is messed up. Your relationship with people are messed up.

 

 

 

 

I Like Him A lot Love Him Even

I hope and pray that I can tell him how I feel. I pray that I will see him again. He is so sweet and he is such an happy person. But he will be going home to California. He doesn’t look like Denzel Washington, Idris Elba or Brad Pitt. He does not look like an Calvin Klein model but he is handsome to me. He is beautiful on the inside.

He is just a friend now but if I would tell him how I feel I would say, when you smile I smile. I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. The thought of hurting you makes me cry because I would never want to do that to you. You inspire me. I don’t want to see you cry but if you do I would be there by your side. You make me want to be a better person than I’m already am . When I’m with you I feel that we are the only two people in this world. I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true.

We connect and it is so natural for us. When I first met you, I felt like we known each other forever. I felt like we were best friends just catching up with one another. When it is time to be apart. I know in my gut that you feel the same way. The way you look at me and, talk to me. When we talk it seems so natural. Maybe that’s the kind of person you are. A very outgoing person but the way we are together. It feels right you know.

Recently he found out his brother died. I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks though. If I knew his phone number I would call him and be there for him. Thinking of him being sad makes me sad. Not because I pity him but because I love him. Love ! What do I know about love? Is it a feeling? Is it a choice? Do you love for you or do you love for him? I am so confused. Why am I so confused? I want to show him that I love him and, I want to tell him but I am scared I might scare him away. People say that the guy should ask you out, the guy should say I love you first but when I see him I want to hold him and, say everything will be okay.

Should I call it infatuation, should I call it a crush or should I call it love? When people say his name I think “I want to take care of him.” I want to be there for him. I want to make love to him. Is it to early to say that? Making love? I am new to this concept of love and sex. I don’t know what to do. Why do I want these things? Why do I want him to be happy?  Why does he make me happy.

It’s embarrassing for me to be vulnerable and, talk about making love.

I am scared to admit that I love him. I’m afraid people might think I’m stupid. So I am just going to say I like him a lot. He influenced my life. I pray that I will see him again and, when I do see him again, I will be ready.  I will show him and tell him how I feel. It is not like he didn’t tell me he loved me before he did but I don’t know what kind of love he meant. I did not say it back. I don’t believe in soul mate but I know in my heart that he’s the right guy for me. I care for him deeply. He’s amazing.

Forgiveness, closure and, moving on with my life

I am 20 years old and, I have resentment towards my father. My dad use to be a great dad and, husband. He use to give my mother roses for surprise. He use to carry  me on top of his shoulders. The problem is he had a dark side. He hurt me, and now I have an hole in my heart that I need to fix. He betrayed my trust. I use to be scared of him. I developed PTSD because of the experience I had with my father. That happened almost 10 years ago and, I am still not over it.

Years of therapy and, years to come to help me get over it. It is going to be hard for me to forgive my father. To get over what happened to my mother and, I. My father was the first man to break my heart. I will never understand why he did that. He wrote me a letter, and send me a facebook message but he never really apologized. He was always really manipulative. Because of the issues I had with my father I think it effected my relationships. I still love him and wish him the best but I don’t know how I will get over it.I guess I have to take one step at a time.

Love? Love is Beautiful

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr

When I was a teenager, I thought love hurt. I thought that love was when you love someone so much it hurt. When I was young, I thought love was disgusting.You know I went through that boys have cooties phase. I think most of us went through that phase. When we separated ourselves from the opposite sex. I realized that love come in many different forms, the love you have for your significant other, the love you have for your friend, the love you have for you family, and even the love you have for a stranger. Love is more than affection and, butterflies in your stomach. I just realized that. Love doesn’t hurt, and it’s a choice.

You can see people love each other everywhere you go. You can see love when a mother hold her child. You can see it when a person is by their friend side, when they a crying. You can see it when someone is helping a person take their groceries to their car.

When someone loves you, they don’t hurt you intentionally. People who love you uplift you, they don’t try to bring you down. They help you out all they can. People who love you make sacrifices for you. When your friend can be doing something else like watching “Dr Who” they are actually at your house comforting you because one of your loved ones dies. Your boyfriend might miss the football game just so he can spend time with you. Instead of having a girls night out, your girlfriend decides that she wants to spend time with you by playing your favorite video game. Remember how you parents went to every sports event, or any event that you had at school or your community? They wanted to see you. Why? Because they loved you.They probably wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for you. They probably tried to get off work and, make room in their schedule, just to see you. That’s one way to tell that your parent love you.Taking care of someone when they are sick, is love. Saying “I love you” is love, while you are also showing them how much you love them

To me love is when you care for someone. Love is acts of kindness for a person you care about, and/or have deep feelings for. Love is also caring for someones needs. Love is being there for them. Love is the base in every friendship, and relationship. A friendship without love is is just being aquantances. A serious relationship without love is just infatuation.

That brings us to that question. Is love a feeling? Well “falling in love” is a feeling but it can fade in my opinion. “Being in love” is a choice. “Falling in love” is just another way of saying that you are infatuated. Sexual attraction is part of it also. You have a choice to stay in love in a romantic relationship. Relationships take work. The way you treat each other in an relationship will either bring you two closer together or push you two apart. It is up to the both of you, if you want to become closer or grow apart.

Love is a bond that brings people together. That is what makes love beautiful and, that is what makes love a force. That is what makes it more powerful than hate. That is what Martin Luther King Jr. meant when he said this  “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr

Love is so powerful it can get rid of hate. Love doesn’t hurt, if it does then it is not love. If you hurt the people you love unintentionally and, intentiontionally, say you are sorry and, don’t do what you did again. Responsibilities come with relationships but if you are willing to be that persons lover, or that persons friend it would be worth it. Love is what brings us together. Show the people in your life that you love them through actions and, words. Do something nice for them and for strangers. It is okay to love strangers too. Love is beautiful. Love others and accept the love others give to you.