Afraid to have My Heartbroken: The affects of domestic violence

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I have this tremendous fear of relationships. I’m afraid that he would be a cheater, I’m afraid that he would be a jerk, I’m afraid that he would be abusive. Physical, emotional, and mental abusive. I don’t think a lot of people worry about that, they just dive right into relationships but I do. The reason why I’m afraid of relationships because my mother use to be in a abusive relationship with my father. I witness the abuse. I hate my dad and love him too. It is a strange feeling to hate and love someone. I feel that he ruin our lives. When my mother left my father, we had to go to a shelter. I was 10 years old at the time. When we left the shelter we had to go on welfare. Our church helped us out and, if it wasn’t for them I would not know where we will be. I had visitations with my dad for a year until one night, he came to our apartment unexpectedly, and he wanted to take me somewhere. My mother said no because she was making me a salad for dinner. My father didn’t like that and he got angry. They were arguing with one another and, then he punched her. He beat  her up really bad that night. The police came to the house and told my mom to file a restraining order. Haven’t seen him ever since. In November it would mark 10 years of not seeing my father.

After that experience you can say, I don’t trust many people. I don’t even trust them to be my friend. How can I trust to be in a relationship with anyone? I have friends but they wouldn’t understand the hurt I’ve been through. Their families are not perfect but they are both healthy and happy. They are not dysfunctional like mine. I can’t tell them about the pain. I see a therapist and, that works.

Well about my love life. I never had a boyfriend. That is not my choice, it just never happened. I never had a boyfriend on my 20 years on this earth. I have had crushes on guys before. One of the boys name was BM, he was my best friend but it turns out he was gay. Then I had a crush on was BB but he never paid any attention to me. I guess because of my experience I had with my father, I became unapproachable. Men don’t know exactly what happened in my life but they sense some kind of shyness or anger I have which makes me unapproachable to them. I think the real reason why I had a crush on BM because he was safe. I always knew he was gay even before he came out of the closet but I didn’t care. I was secretly hoping that he was just a really feminine straight guy but he was not. I was comfortable around him and, he was my friend I can be myself around and, that is why I developed feelings for him. He was nothing like my father at all. BB on the other hand scares me. He actually looks like a Calvin Klein model. The scary thing about BB is besides him being really sexy is that he reminds me of my father. He doesn’t look like my dad and I don’t think he is violent or abusive. It’s just that they share the same sense of humor and they are into the same kind of music which is rap music. My dad use to recite rap lyrics in the car. BB does the same. While BB is not abusive, my father and him share personality traits. It’s hard to explain. Even though BB is a nice guy, he just reminds me too much of my father and, I’m scared of that.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared to date and, that is not because I have social anxiety, it is because I can’t trust a person. People are like “You have to date! That is how you meet other people, and that is how you know if that person is good for you or not.” They may say things like you just need to look for the signs before you get into a relationship with or marry them even. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the abuse between my parents did not start until two years after they got married. Did your parent marry too young? Did your parent marry only 3 months after they met? No. My parent dated for 3 years before they got married. Both in their late 20s. My father started off to be charming and caring but he became an abuser.

Like I said, I see a therapist. While she can help me with overcoming what I been through. I feel that she can’t help me with read guys and know if the are abusive. She can’t help me be fooled by a mans charm. She can’t help me do those things. I actually want to date, and I actually want to be in a relationship but I am scared to do so.  That is not happening. I don’t trust myself to find a guy and, I don’t trust anyone. Well, I wrote this blog because I am not the only person who is going through this. I’m not the only one who is going through this and, someone can benefit from this. My father was the first man to break my heart. How many people can say that? There father was the first man to break their heart. He abused my mother. Most people say it’s been 10 years move on but I can’t he’s my dad. He’s the first man to hold me in his arms. Let me tell you something if the first man that broke your heart is your father, without professional help, you are messed up for life. At least that is how it feels, and it does feel that right now. When the first man that broke your heart is your father your relationship with men is messed up. Your relationship with people are messed up.

 

 

 

 

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Living With Depression: Overcoming the past.

Sorry for the typos I’m about to make.

I am a 19 year old girl with depression. This is my story. When I was a little girl, I was a happy kid. I was a normal kid. I felt normal. I thought I was in a happy family but my dad physically abused my mom and emotionally abused me. I thought it was normal. I figured out that this wasn’t right when the police came I almost thought what he was doing was normal. A couple of days after Easter, in 2003 something happened and we finally left. We left for good. We went to stay at a battered women’s shelter for a couple of months. I should add something before I go on my mother has anxiety, bipolar disorder, and depression. Her doctor says  that the abuse could have triggered it.

We left the shelter and found an apartment. She got an restraining order but I still had visitations with my dad. The plan was that he would pick me up at  my grandmas and drop me off.  Well, that plan went down the tubes. He found out where I went to school and where my mother and I lived. I don’t know what on earth happened to the restraining order. I don’t even know how he found us. He just did. He continued visitations with me. He picked me up from where I actually lived and dropped me off. Then the visitations just stopped after my mom had a surgery. November of 2004 he came one night unannounced. I got nervous. We were talking about school and stuff then he wanted to take me somewhere. My mom said no because she made dinner and it was time to eat. Then he just jumped on her and I yelled at my dad and told him to stop. He was choking her. I told him to leave and never come back. He stayed away. My mother got another restraining order and I never seen him again.

There is more to this story. Since the police, my mother, and I was afraid that he would come back. They told my principal and they emailed all of my teachers. When I went back to school after the incident my teachers looked at me with a sad face. It felt weird. Besides that incident the rest of middle school  was good. High school came along. It was hard. I didn’t do my best in most of my classes. I got depressed. I started cutting myself my freshman year. I felt that I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school. I didn’t trust a lot of people. I was diagnosed with depression and got on anti depressants. I am still  angry at my dad. I love and hate him at the same time. It’s weird. The weird thing is that my mom can move on from what he did to her but I still get angry about.

I just want you to know, if you are reading this and you are abusing your significant other or spouse. Please stop! If you can’t stop, break-up with them. If you two have children please stop abusing your spouse.

The reason why I am writing this blog is that I want people to see where depression comes from, for some people. I also wrote this blog because the anger of what happened  burst today. I cried all morning. I told my mom how I felt and I felt better. I should have talked to my mother a long time ago. Another reason why I wrote this blog is that a childhood friend of mine is getting married. She’s a few years older than me. Anyway there was this picture of the groom having his arms around his bride. They were hugging each other tightly in a loving way. They wanted his arms to show  him hugging her to symbolize that he would always protect her and she would always protect him. It was a beautiful picture. That picture got me thinking. I was thinking “Why didn’t my father protect my mother?” Instead he hurt her. I feel betrayed. I can never trust him again. I am trying to overcome the past and writing this blog help me. If you are suffering depression and/or domestic abuse, you are all in prayers.

P.S On a brighter note I’m getting treatment and tomorrow is a brand new day filled with hope. Don’t worry about me I’ll make it. I’m fine. Sorry for the typos.