Lets talk about Depression, Suicide, Robin Williams and, Michael Brown.

*This post will also deal with the politically incorrect, uncomfortable subject of race. So beware.

On a sunny day on April 2003. I was 9 years old. That was the first day I was considering suicide. That was the day I decided to put a knife to my chest. That was also the day my mother and, I ran away from my dad and, we live in a battered women shelter.

I was diagnose with depression when I was 13 and, also with post traumatic stress disorder. I was suicidal since I was nine.

Why am I telling you this?

Well as we all know Robin Williams is dead because he committed suicide. I hate that phrase committed suicide but you know he killed himself. When I first heard that he committed suicide. I was like “Oh how sad, I wonder how he died. Did he have cancer? Did he have a heart attack? I hope he didn’t get murdered!” But he committed suicide which is just as bad as murder. When I realized he committed suicide it brought tears to my eyes. I was sad that he had manic depression. I was sad that he felt he couldn’t live any longer. I was also heartbroken because I knew that if I didn’t get help and, treatment, I could do that to myself.

As a Black woman I also know how hard it is to be black in America and, the oppression. When I heard about Michael Brown, I was thinking “Oh no not again. Not another senseless killing of a Black man. I don’t know the whole story but when you hear a story about a black teen who is male, gets killed by police, and, he was unarmed this weird feeling gets in the gut in your stomach because…

1. The killing was unfair and, you think it’s racially motivated.
2. You feel sad for him and his family and, friend. You put yourself in his and his families shoes.
3. No offense but you are afraid that your people are going to riot and, make a fool out of themselves, which makes them just as guilty as the police officer that killed Michael Brown.

Now, the reason why I’m talking about Michael Brown, Robin Williams, depression and, suicide is because these both tragic events happened on the same weekend. I’m going to be a little harsh here but IGNORANT PEOPLE, yes I said IGNORANT PEOPLE think one death or one person is more important than the other. People say “Why does this white man get more attention than Michael Brown.” I’m fed up with comments like that.

Also there are people calling Robin Williams selfish. Whether he was selfish or not, saying that will not bring Robin Williams back and, it will not help people who are suicidal. Calling people who committed suicide and people who are suicidal selfish is just a bad idea. If I get enough likes or views, I will tell you why on the next post.

Another thing Black people do not like talking about mental illness. I don’t think our community understands the subject of mental illness. Most communities don’t. Most blacks do not want to admit that they need help mentally actually, most people period don’t want to admit that they need help mentally because they are scared of letting people in their business. See Black people are a private people, we don’t like discussing personal problems with strangers which makes since but sometime everyone needs someone to lean on who is a stranger because strangers don’t judge. Which is why you see a therapist to help you understand what’s going on and/or a psychologist.

My point is that no issue is more greater than the other. Mental illness, racism, suicide, and police brutality are issues that we face today. They are equally important. Don’t tear people down if some people want to talk about Robin Williams, depression and suicide. Don’t knock people down if people want to talk about Michael Brown and, police brutality.

Now that I got that off my chest because that has been bothering me for hours, back to me. Yes, I tried to commit suicide twice, and thought about taking my life a lot but with a little help from the people that loved me, I can see that I have an amazing future ahead of me. I try to live everyday to it’s fullest because one of the things we can learn from Michael Brown is life is too short, you don’t know what tomorrow has in store. Another person who probably saved my life was a girl name Maria but that is another story for another time. A sad story that is.

If you know someone with depression, please give them a hug and, tell them I love you. When they are ready to talk to you about it, just listen. Don’t give them advice like “Get over it” or “be optimistic” or “Just be happy”. Just listen unless they ask for your advice. Just love them, that’s all you can do. So don’t get discourage if you don’t cheer them up. You can’t do anything but love them.

Have peace and, love in your heart

-Angelisa

Please if you are a victim of police brutality, or racism. If you are a victim of spousal or child abuse. If you are suffering from depression or other mental illnesses. If your loved one is suicidal or committed suicide. Please start your own blog and, tell your story. In our small way we can change the world by doing that. Statistic are a good thing to make people aware but I think sharing our stories is more powerful than that.

I appreciate you reading my long blog. Have a great day.

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Relationships: Loving Someone

* Excuse the typos

 

When you are a teenager you deal with a lot of changes. When you are an adult you still go through a lot of changes. There are so many things you wonder about your whole life. One of those questions are “What is Love?” I don’t think a lot of people know the actual definition of love. You can see this when 50% of marriages end up in divorce. While I hope most people get a divorce for the right reasons like spousal abuse or maybe trust issues but there are other people who get a divorce because they’re spouse is sick or because the spouse snoring or anything like that.

Do people still think love is only a feeling? Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice and, a action. A choice that bonds 2 people together like some kind of powerful force. Love is when you care about someone, you will do anything for them, and, take care of them. When you love someone, you are there for them. When you love someone you protect them. When you love someone you make sacrifices for them. Love is hard and, needs to be nurtured as years go on. Which is why a lot of teenagers break up and, don’t stay together. They are not ready to make those sacrifices and, make that kind of commitment.

“Love is like Friendship on Fire” from the movie The Perfect Man. The movie sucked but this quote is spot on and always stuck with me

You can’t expect love to be passionate and, romantic all the time. You have to have that friendship as the base. Once that fire burns out, that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. You can always start the romance back up again if you find the time but it doesn’t have to be anything big.

Sometimes I wonder if adults are ready for that kind of commitment. If they were, why do they get a divorce all the time. What is that teaching the next generation? “It’s fine to get married but if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay you can just get a divorce.”

Communication is key! Very good communication. Your need to communicate with your spouse. That could be a reason why a lot of people get a divorce. We have horrible communication skills. You should never yell or belittle anyone you love. If you do please stop. Talk it out.

Sacrifices: I will like to tell you two stories about sacrifice

There was this couple who met when they were teenagers. Lets name them Johnny and, Tiffany to keep their identities anonymous. They started dating in high school, and they fell in love. Tiffany family had to move away to another state but they did not break up. They started a long distance relationship. He drove over some weekends with his parents permission to visit her. That went on until they graduated from high school. When they became adults, they got married. Now they are married for 12 years and, have 2 kids. This story shows sacrifice in my opinion because Johnny and, Tiffany were young. Johnny had a choice to date other people and, so did Tiffany. Why would they make those kind of sacrifices at a young age? Because they loved each other and still do. They wanted to be together, so the did everything they could together.

Now the next story is about my experience with love and, sacrifice. I have this friend. Lets call him Dave. I had a crush on him all through high school. We laughed together, flirted, hung out etc. A year after we got out of high school, he told me he was gay. I was heartbroken, I thought we were going to get married. I had fantasies about us being together. In my head I had two choices. Stop being his friend because it hurt so much that I would never be with him, or keep on being his friend and, be there for him every step of the way. I let him go, but keep on being his friend. He was never going to like me the way that I liked him. If I was a true friend and, if I really cared about him, I had to continue to be his friend. It’s not his fault that he was gay. It was just the way it is. To me that was a sacrifice that I made. I wanted to stay his friend because I loved him. He was there for me when I needed him, so it was time for me to be there for him and, be supportive because I loved him.

People say true love hurts. While it shouldn’t hurt in an abusive way, it does hurt in other ways. Like when you find out your spouse or lover is terminally ill or if your spouse or lover dies. Or if your spouse or lover is just having a gloomy day and, they don’t want to talk to you about it yet. It hurts. It hurts to see the person you love sad. I can relate to that. I hated to see my mother cry. I loved her so much. I hated to see her in and, out of the mental hospital. I hated to see her be afraid of my dad. To see her like that really hurt me. It’s okay to admit that love hurts in that kind of way.

Everyone is capable of loving. Everyone is capable of being loved. Just because you have been abused or treated unfairly in a previous relationship you can love again. There are so many good people in this world than bad. I honestly think so and guarantee it. The only problem with a lot of people in this world today is they don’t know what love is and, they are cynical about it. Love is real!

You can see it when a parent holds their children hand walking to the park. You can see it when a brother tries to make his sister laugh at his jokes. You can see it at a soup kitchen where people give up there time to help other eat their meal. You can see it when a teenager teach an elementary school child how to read. You can see it when you see a person play with their dog. You can see it when a boyfriend decides to pick up his sweetie from work without complaining. You can see it everywhere. In a world where it feels like there is no hope, you can always find love.

You are ready to be in a committed relationship or even married if you love others because if you love others, treat others like decent human beings and, if you serve others in need without expecting anything in return. You are ready to find the love of your life because if you do those things for other. Imagine what you can do for your significant other.

Will you do something for me? If you have a crush on someone or interested in someone. Or maybe you just entered into a relationship. Don’t tell them that you love them that would be creepy but show them that you care and, show them that you love them because that is what love is a choice. They may not say it and, know how to express it in words but they would feel very warm inside. They will feel loved.

 

 

 

The Lie: You need a boyfriend to make you happy

All my life I heard things about relationship. I always heard things that if you don’t have a boyfriend by a certain deadline, you were deemed to be unworthy. I feel that society teaches us that if we don’t have affection from a guy you are missing out on something. I for one never been asked out on a date and, I’m almost 21 years old. I feel like everyone has or had a boyfriend and, the experience something that I haven’t. I feel like I’m missing out on something. To most teenagers going on your first date is a rite of passage and, I feel a little immature and, inexperienced compared to my peers. They all been in relationships before and I haven’t.

Every girl believes they need a boyfriend to make them happy. We believe that we need a boyfriend or a bunch of guys after us to feel validated and, a guy to make us feel beautiful. That is not true. The reason why we think this is because of Disney Movies and shows that are aimed to girls. They always talk about boys and women who wants to be in relationships and, thinks it’s the end of the world if they don’t have a boyfriend. In fairy tales  you have prince charming always saving the princess, and I think that kind of give girls the idea that they need a man to feel beautiful. There are also shows like Being Mary Jane and Sex and, the City where relationships are the top priority for these women. In both shows you have women with successful careers but they are worrying about men who don’t really care about them. Scandal is another example. A woman that has a great career. While her career is he top priority, her other priority is sleeping with a married man who is the president of the United States. This is probably why women feel that they need a man to make them happy.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t watch Disney movies or TV shows about women and, relationships. All I’m saying is that we need more diverse lifestyles in the media. I think we need to teach girls that they don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Teach them that it is okay to have other goals in their life, like education, career, and hobbies.

The point is that you don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. You don’t even need a career to be happy. The thing that will make you happy is accepting yourself. You don’t need to be validated for a man. You don’t need a boyfriend to make you feel beautiful. A boyfriend enriches your life but it’s not his job to make you happy. His job is to love you and, be there for you, that is it.  Being single is not a disease, and it is okay. Nothing is wrong with you.

Things I do not want to hear about love

On my last post I written down why I’m scared to date. If you didn’t read that post hears the link https://angelhasajournal.wordpress.com/2014/04/23/afraid-to-have-my-heartbroken-the-affects-of-domestic-violence/

Because of that experience I had there are thing that people say that bother me really bad even if it’s true or not.

1.Love is a choice: When I hear this I hear that love is a burden. It kind of takes the magic out of love. It’s like saying you choose the person you love, you choose to marry them, and you stuck with them for life. If love is a choice, I could choose to love the man down the street. I don’t know a thing about him but I’m going to choose to love him and propose to him.
I wonder if I’m thinking too deep about the phrase love is a choice. Am I thinking too deep on it.

2. There is no such thing as soul mates there are a lot of people in the world: Though this statement may be true. it’s hard. I was kind of hoping if I prayed hard enough, God or the Universe will send me a guy that is not like my father. A guy who is patient, honest, loving, funny etc. But I’m going to have to work at relationship, I have to work at finding a guy if I want to be with a guy one day. I don’t trust myself or people that much, to rely on myself alone. It’s not much I want God to send me a man, I want him to point me to the right direction.

See those are my issues with this. Love should be exciting but for me it’s scary. Honestly, I can’t trust my own instincts if a guy is good or bad. I always doubt myself. I guess I have to take my journey in young adulthood and, learn to trust my instincts.

Afraid to have My Heartbroken: The affects of domestic violence

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I have this tremendous fear of relationships. I’m afraid that he would be a cheater, I’m afraid that he would be a jerk, I’m afraid that he would be abusive. Physical, emotional, and mental abusive. I don’t think a lot of people worry about that, they just dive right into relationships but I do. The reason why I’m afraid of relationships because my mother use to be in a abusive relationship with my father. I witness the abuse. I hate my dad and love him too. It is a strange feeling to hate and love someone. I feel that he ruin our lives. When my mother left my father, we had to go to a shelter. I was 10 years old at the time. When we left the shelter we had to go on welfare. Our church helped us out and, if it wasn’t for them I would not know where we will be. I had visitations with my dad for a year until one night, he came to our apartment unexpectedly, and he wanted to take me somewhere. My mother said no because she was making me a salad for dinner. My father didn’t like that and he got angry. They were arguing with one another and, then he punched her. He beat  her up really bad that night. The police came to the house and told my mom to file a restraining order. Haven’t seen him ever since. In November it would mark 10 years of not seeing my father.

After that experience you can say, I don’t trust many people. I don’t even trust them to be my friend. How can I trust to be in a relationship with anyone? I have friends but they wouldn’t understand the hurt I’ve been through. Their families are not perfect but they are both healthy and happy. They are not dysfunctional like mine. I can’t tell them about the pain. I see a therapist and, that works.

Well about my love life. I never had a boyfriend. That is not my choice, it just never happened. I never had a boyfriend on my 20 years on this earth. I have had crushes on guys before. One of the boys name was BM, he was my best friend but it turns out he was gay. Then I had a crush on was BB but he never paid any attention to me. I guess because of my experience I had with my father, I became unapproachable. Men don’t know exactly what happened in my life but they sense some kind of shyness or anger I have which makes me unapproachable to them. I think the real reason why I had a crush on BM because he was safe. I always knew he was gay even before he came out of the closet but I didn’t care. I was secretly hoping that he was just a really feminine straight guy but he was not. I was comfortable around him and, he was my friend I can be myself around and, that is why I developed feelings for him. He was nothing like my father at all. BB on the other hand scares me. He actually looks like a Calvin Klein model. The scary thing about BB is besides him being really sexy is that he reminds me of my father. He doesn’t look like my dad and I don’t think he is violent or abusive. It’s just that they share the same sense of humor and they are into the same kind of music which is rap music. My dad use to recite rap lyrics in the car. BB does the same. While BB is not abusive, my father and him share personality traits. It’s hard to explain. Even though BB is a nice guy, he just reminds me too much of my father and, I’m scared of that.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared to date and, that is not because I have social anxiety, it is because I can’t trust a person. People are like “You have to date! That is how you meet other people, and that is how you know if that person is good for you or not.” They may say things like you just need to look for the signs before you get into a relationship with or marry them even. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the abuse between my parents did not start until two years after they got married. Did your parent marry too young? Did your parent marry only 3 months after they met? No. My parent dated for 3 years before they got married. Both in their late 20s. My father started off to be charming and caring but he became an abuser.

Like I said, I see a therapist. While she can help me with overcoming what I been through. I feel that she can’t help me with read guys and know if the are abusive. She can’t help me be fooled by a mans charm. She can’t help me do those things. I actually want to date, and I actually want to be in a relationship but I am scared to do so.  That is not happening. I don’t trust myself to find a guy and, I don’t trust anyone. Well, I wrote this blog because I am not the only person who is going through this. I’m not the only one who is going through this and, someone can benefit from this. My father was the first man to break my heart. How many people can say that? There father was the first man to break their heart. He abused my mother. Most people say it’s been 10 years move on but I can’t he’s my dad. He’s the first man to hold me in his arms. Let me tell you something if the first man that broke your heart is your father, without professional help, you are messed up for life. At least that is how it feels, and it does feel that right now. When the first man that broke your heart is your father your relationship with men is messed up. Your relationship with people are messed up.

 

 

 

 

I Like Him A lot Love Him Even

I hope and pray that I can tell him how I feel. I pray that I will see him again. He is so sweet and he is such an happy person. But he will be going home to California. He doesn’t look like Denzel Washington, Idris Elba or Brad Pitt. He does not look like an Calvin Klein model but he is handsome to me. He is beautiful on the inside.

He is just a friend now but if I would tell him how I feel I would say, when you smile I smile. I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. The thought of hurting you makes me cry because I would never want to do that to you. You inspire me. I don’t want to see you cry but if you do I would be there by your side. You make me want to be a better person than I’m already am . When I’m with you I feel that we are the only two people in this world. I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true.

We connect and it is so natural for us. When I first met you, I felt like we known each other forever. I felt like we were best friends just catching up with one another. When it is time to be apart. I know in my gut that you feel the same way. The way you look at me and, talk to me. When we talk it seems so natural. Maybe that’s the kind of person you are. A very outgoing person but the way we are together. It feels right you know.

Recently he found out his brother died. I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks though. If I knew his phone number I would call him and be there for him. Thinking of him being sad makes me sad. Not because I pity him but because I love him. Love ! What do I know about love? Is it a feeling? Is it a choice? Do you love for you or do you love for him? I am so confused. Why am I so confused? I want to show him that I love him and, I want to tell him but I am scared I might scare him away. People say that the guy should ask you out, the guy should say I love you first but when I see him I want to hold him and, say everything will be okay.

Should I call it infatuation, should I call it a crush or should I call it love? When people say his name I think “I want to take care of him.” I want to be there for him. I want to make love to him. Is it to early to say that? Making love? I am new to this concept of love and sex. I don’t know what to do. Why do I want these things? Why do I want him to be happy?  Why does he make me happy.

It’s embarrassing for me to be vulnerable and, talk about making love.

I am scared to admit that I love him. I’m afraid people might think I’m stupid. So I am just going to say I like him a lot. He influenced my life. I pray that I will see him again and, when I do see him again, I will be ready.  I will show him and tell him how I feel. It is not like he didn’t tell me he loved me before he did but I don’t know what kind of love he meant. I did not say it back. I don’t believe in soul mate but I know in my heart that he’s the right guy for me. I care for him deeply. He’s amazing.