Afraid to have My Heartbroken: The affects of domestic violence

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I have this tremendous fear of relationships. I’m afraid that he would be a cheater, I’m afraid that he would be a jerk, I’m afraid that he would be abusive. Physical, emotional, and mental abusive. I don’t think a lot of people worry about that, they just dive right into relationships but I do. The reason why I’m afraid of relationships because my mother use to be in a abusive relationship with my father. I witness the abuse. I hate my dad and love him too. It is a strange feeling to hate and love someone. I feel that he ruin our lives. When my mother left my father, we had to go to a shelter. I was 10 years old at the time. When we left the shelter we had to go on welfare. Our church helped us out and, if it wasn’t for them I would not know where we will be. I had visitations with my dad for a year until one night, he came to our apartment unexpectedly, and he wanted to take me somewhere. My mother said no because she was making me a salad for dinner. My father didn’t like that and he got angry. They were arguing with one another and, then he punched her. He beat  her up really bad that night. The police came to the house and told my mom to file a restraining order. Haven’t seen him ever since. In November it would mark 10 years of not seeing my father.

After that experience you can say, I don’t trust many people. I don’t even trust them to be my friend. How can I trust to be in a relationship with anyone? I have friends but they wouldn’t understand the hurt I’ve been through. Their families are not perfect but they are both healthy and happy. They are not dysfunctional like mine. I can’t tell them about the pain. I see a therapist and, that works.

Well about my love life. I never had a boyfriend. That is not my choice, it just never happened. I never had a boyfriend on my 20 years on this earth. I have had crushes on guys before. One of the boys name was BM, he was my best friend but it turns out he was gay. Then I had a crush on was BB but he never paid any attention to me. I guess because of my experience I had with my father, I became unapproachable. Men don’t know exactly what happened in my life but they sense some kind of shyness or anger I have which makes me unapproachable to them. I think the real reason why I had a crush on BM because he was safe. I always knew he was gay even before he came out of the closet but I didn’t care. I was secretly hoping that he was just a really feminine straight guy but he was not. I was comfortable around him and, he was my friend I can be myself around and, that is why I developed feelings for him. He was nothing like my father at all. BB on the other hand scares me. He actually looks like a Calvin Klein model. The scary thing about BB is besides him being really sexy is that he reminds me of my father. He doesn’t look like my dad and I don’t think he is violent or abusive. It’s just that they share the same sense of humor and they are into the same kind of music which is rap music. My dad use to recite rap lyrics in the car. BB does the same. While BB is not abusive, my father and him share personality traits. It’s hard to explain. Even though BB is a nice guy, he just reminds me too much of my father and, I’m scared of that.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared to date and, that is not because I have social anxiety, it is because I can’t trust a person. People are like “You have to date! That is how you meet other people, and that is how you know if that person is good for you or not.” They may say things like you just need to look for the signs before you get into a relationship with or marry them even. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the abuse between my parents did not start until two years after they got married. Did your parent marry too young? Did your parent marry only 3 months after they met? No. My parent dated for 3 years before they got married. Both in their late 20s. My father started off to be charming and caring but he became an abuser.

Like I said, I see a therapist. While she can help me with overcoming what I been through. I feel that she can’t help me with read guys and know if the are abusive. She can’t help me be fooled by a mans charm. She can’t help me do those things. I actually want to date, and I actually want to be in a relationship but I am scared to do so.  That is not happening. I don’t trust myself to find a guy and, I don’t trust anyone. Well, I wrote this blog because I am not the only person who is going through this. I’m not the only one who is going through this and, someone can benefit from this. My father was the first man to break my heart. How many people can say that? There father was the first man to break their heart. He abused my mother. Most people say it’s been 10 years move on but I can’t he’s my dad. He’s the first man to hold me in his arms. Let me tell you something if the first man that broke your heart is your father, without professional help, you are messed up for life. At least that is how it feels, and it does feel that right now. When the first man that broke your heart is your father your relationship with men is messed up. Your relationship with people are messed up.

 

 

 

 

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Killed for no reason? People really need to know what self-defense is

Warning: This will have a lot of typos. Plus this is my first serious and controversial post.

I am baffled. Really really really baffled.I am sorry but this needs to be said. In my hometown in Detroit, specifically Dearborn Height there was this lady around my age who was 19 years old because she was on someones porch asking for help because she got into a car accident and her cell phone was dead. I guess the owner of the house got scared and, killed her. Which is really horrible. The shooters said he shot her by accident, and we would never hear the victims side of the story because she is dead. People are angry about this not just because an innocent woman got shot. (I guess she was innocent we are going to have to have updates on the case later.) What piss people off is that a Black woman got killed by an White man. He was never arrested.

What piss me off is not that no one arrested him yet, it is that someone got killed in the first place. Okay you are scared that someone you don’t know is knocking on the door. What do you do? Don’t answer the door. You can call the police if they don’t go away. You can tell them to go away, that would be better than shooting the person. You have to think before you do, not do before you think. Human life, ALL HUMAN LIFE is precious.

Don’t shoot someone if you feel threatened, shoot someone if you are threatened.  Anyone can feel threatened. Right now I am writing this at 12:00 am at night alone, in my dining room. Because of the fact I am alone and I hear noises in the hallway because I live in an apartment. I feel threatened but am I threatened? No. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in self-defense but the woman was asking for help. How can she hurt anyone? By the way if you want to learn real self-defense without using a gun, take a self defense class. That would be way better than taking someones life.

Then their is the race issue. Lets be honest with ourselves we all discriminate toward Blacks. Blacks even discriminate towards Blacks. (When I say “we all” I mean all races. Not individuals )We need to acknowledge it and then we need to stop it. We need to stop discriminating towards everyone. I am tired of the inequality of this country. I am tired of the racial divide. Stop it with this foolishness. How hard is it to treat people like they are equal? And I really want people to answer this question. Why is it so hard? Stop being racist. Go to therapy if you have to. Just stop. Now I don’t know if the shooter was racist or not but I do know that he was scared. It could have been because Renisha McBride was Black or the shooter was paranoid. It could have been both.

We are living in fear. Lets take race out of the equation. These day we are fearful of everything. Stop living in fear. I am not saying trust people you just meet, just don’t be scared of them. Now Black people are scared that they might get shot just by asking for help. SMH

I have some advice to all human beings with love:

1. Stop being prejudice

2. Think before you do, not do before you think: In other words stay freaking calm when you “feel” you are in danger.

3. Stop being racist

You know what makes me sick? That I actually have to write “Stop being prejudice and stop being racist”.

I know a lot of people are going to angry at my post. This may cause a lot of controversy. A lot of racist might get pissed off but I don’t care it needs to be said. I am pissed off at this society too. I hope that the police investigates and see what really happened that day. At least before Al Sharpton get involved. Anyone associate with MSNBC or, even with Fox news leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

It is not healthy to live in fear. It is not healthy to be afraid of a person because of their race. Or is it healthy? It can’t be healthy. People need to learn to stop being fearful. If the person wasn’t fearful, if the person wasn’t prejudice, if the person would have think before he did, this wouldn’t have ever happened. But it did, and we need to find a way to prevent this from happening again. We need to teach our kids not to live in fear, and not to be racist. There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear for we can keep people safe.

Renisha McBrides family are in my prayers. May Renisha McBride Rest in Peace.

Why is it so hard to look at people as equals?

Do you think this has something to with the stand your ground law?

* I may not be the best writer but I do have a voice and opinions that needs to be heard. Let your voice be heard people. Stand up for what is right.