Lets talk about Depression, Suicide, Robin Williams and, Michael Brown.

*This post will also deal with the politically incorrect, uncomfortable subject of race. So beware.

On a sunny day on April 2003. I was 9 years old. That was the first day I was considering suicide. That was the day I decided to put a knife to my chest. That was also the day my mother and, I ran away from my dad and, we live in a battered women shelter.

I was diagnose with depression when I was 13 and, also with post traumatic stress disorder. I was suicidal since I was nine.

Why am I telling you this?

Well as we all know Robin Williams is dead because he committed suicide. I hate that phrase committed suicide but you know he killed himself. When I first heard that he committed suicide. I was like “Oh how sad, I wonder how he died. Did he have cancer? Did he have a heart attack? I hope he didn’t get murdered!” But he committed suicide which is just as bad as murder. When I realized he committed suicide it brought tears to my eyes. I was sad that he had manic depression. I was sad that he felt he couldn’t live any longer. I was also heartbroken because I knew that if I didn’t get help and, treatment, I could do that to myself.

As a Black woman I also know how hard it is to be black in America and, the oppression. When I heard about Michael Brown, I was thinking “Oh no not again. Not another senseless killing of a Black man. I don’t know the whole story but when you hear a story about a black teen who is male, gets killed by police, and, he was unarmed this weird feeling gets in the gut in your stomach because…

1. The killing was unfair and, you think it’s racially motivated.
2. You feel sad for him and his family and, friend. You put yourself in his and his families shoes.
3. No offense but you are afraid that your people are going to riot and, make a fool out of themselves, which makes them just as guilty as the police officer that killed Michael Brown.

Now, the reason why I’m talking about Michael Brown, Robin Williams, depression and, suicide is because these both tragic events happened on the same weekend. I’m going to be a little harsh here but IGNORANT PEOPLE, yes I said IGNORANT PEOPLE think one death or one person is more important than the other. People say “Why does this white man get more attention than Michael Brown.” I’m fed up with comments like that.

Also there are people calling Robin Williams selfish. Whether he was selfish or not, saying that will not bring Robin Williams back and, it will not help people who are suicidal. Calling people who committed suicide and people who are suicidal selfish is just a bad idea. If I get enough likes or views, I will tell you why on the next post.

Another thing Black people do not like talking about mental illness. I don’t think our community understands the subject of mental illness. Most communities don’t. Most blacks do not want to admit that they need help mentally actually, most people period don’t want to admit that they need help mentally because they are scared of letting people in their business. See Black people are a private people, we don’t like discussing personal problems with strangers which makes since but sometime everyone needs someone to lean on who is a stranger because strangers don’t judge. Which is why you see a therapist to help you understand what’s going on and/or a psychologist.

My point is that no issue is more greater than the other. Mental illness, racism, suicide, and police brutality are issues that we face today. They are equally important. Don’t tear people down if some people want to talk about Robin Williams, depression and suicide. Don’t knock people down if people want to talk about Michael Brown and, police brutality.

Now that I got that off my chest because that has been bothering me for hours, back to me. Yes, I tried to commit suicide twice, and thought about taking my life a lot but with a little help from the people that loved me, I can see that I have an amazing future ahead of me. I try to live everyday to it’s fullest because one of the things we can learn from Michael Brown is life is too short, you don’t know what tomorrow has in store. Another person who probably saved my life was a girl name Maria but that is another story for another time. A sad story that is.

If you know someone with depression, please give them a hug and, tell them I love you. When they are ready to talk to you about it, just listen. Don’t give them advice like “Get over it” or “be optimistic” or “Just be happy”. Just listen unless they ask for your advice. Just love them, that’s all you can do. So don’t get discourage if you don’t cheer them up. You can’t do anything but love them.

Have peace and, love in your heart

-Angelisa

Please if you are a victim of police brutality, or racism. If you are a victim of spousal or child abuse. If you are suffering from depression or other mental illnesses. If your loved one is suicidal or committed suicide. Please start your own blog and, tell your story. In our small way we can change the world by doing that. Statistic are a good thing to make people aware but I think sharing our stories is more powerful than that.

I appreciate you reading my long blog. Have a great day.

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My Life in High School: Regrets I Made in High School

 

 

 

I hated high school. My school high school  has 3 schools on one ground. Most kids had to walk school to school to get to their classes. The school has over 6,000 kids/students.

I tried so hard to fit in and, I tried so hard to be out going but being outgoing is not me. I tried to join clubs but I never stuck to them. I always got bored and quit. The only thing I stuck with was choir. I love to sing. I was in a play called the “Pajama Game” in my senior year. It was great! I met nice people , and had confidence in myself. I loved it but, besides the play and, choir, I never stuck to any clubs.

When I was in high school, I was so shy. Maybe I wasn’t shy, I think I was probably introverted. People thought I was mute. Really, really, mute.  According to a girl I went to high school with, people pitied me. I don’t know why people had pity on me. People always said I look sad. That was probably because I had unresolved issues at home. No one knew the hell that was living  inside my head. If you haven’t been to my blog before, that’s another story.

I also didn’t do too well in school. I was smart but I gave up on school. I put too much pressure on myself and, when I do that I become stressed out and, lazy. I was very stressed out at home and, that affected my school work and, my social life. I felt worthless.

So many other things happened to me like me being bullied but lets save that story for another blog post.

The mistakes I made in high school was

-Not accepting myself in for who I really was.

– Not doing well in my classes and, giving up.

– Quitting clubs and, activities

– Appreciating high school  more

– Not being happy

Please appreciate your high school years. You are only a teenager once and, you only go to high school for 4 years. Don’t waste those years being depressed like I was.  If you are suffering from depression, keep on getting treatment. Make friends do well in school and, be happy. The teenage years don’t have to be that. You choose to be happy. It is possible to be happy, even in high school.

 

Mental Illness and, Domestic Violence: My Mothers Story

I will like to tell you another story about what happened in my childhood. My mother was a strong woman when I was little. She use to dress really nice and, she had a great career. She knew what she wanted and, in my eyes she was a fearless woman. Until the abuse began and, she started isolating herself and, was becoming worried a lot. She also had a lot of anxiety attacks and, there were days where she just stayed in bed. She also started to miss work and, she cry a lot. In 2001 or 2002 she was taken to the hospital. What happened was that she got in an “argument” with my father that day and, she was having an anxiety attack. She wanted to calm herself down and, she took too many pills. My neighbor at the time was worried so she took her to the hospital and my mom stayed there for a few days.

I was 8 years old at the time and, I was so worried. I think I cried the whole time she was away. This wasn’t the last time she went to the hospital. My mother has bipolar, depression, and, anxiety most likely because of the abuse. She takes 11 different medications. I also have depression and, I also have PTSD (Post traumatic stress).

My mom isn’t the only women who has an mental illness because of Domestic Violence. 50% of women who are living with mental illness suffered from some kind of trauma. That trauma can be sexual assault or physical abuse.

My mother is still a very strong woman.  There are some days she doesn’t like to do anything, there are others where she cries and get stressed out a lot. She cannot work in the workforce anymore. She receives disability. She wants to work again but her doctor says that is not a very good idea. I don’t know our lives is ever going to get back to normal again but we are trying to take it day by day. All I can tell you we are happier now than where we were 11 years ago.

http://www.fcadv.org/projects-programs/trauma-mental-health-domestic-violence

Mental Illness and, Domestic Violence: My Mothers Story

I will like to tell you another story about what happened in my childhood. My mother was a strong woman when I was little. She use to dress really nice and, she had a great career. She knew what she wanted and, in my eyes she was a fearless woman. Until the abuse began and, she started isolating herself and, was becoming worried a lot. She also had a lot of anxiety attacks and, there were days where she just stayed in bed. She also started to miss work and, she cry a lot. In 2001 or 2002 she was taken to the hospital. What happened was that she got in an “argument” with my father that day and, she was having an anxiety attack. She wanted to calm herself down and, she took too many pills. My neighbor at the time was worried so she took her to the hospital and my mom stayed there for a few days.

I was 8 years old at the time and, I was so worried. I think I cried the whole time she was away. This wasn’t the last time she went to the hospital. My mother has bipolar, depression, and, anxiety most likely because of the abuse. She takes 11 different medications. I also have depression and, I also have PTSD (Post traumatic stress).

My mom isn’t the only women who has an mental illness because of Domestic Violence. 50% of women who are living with mental illness suffered from some kind of trauma. That trauma can be sexual assault or physical abuse.

My mother is still a very strong woman.  There are some days she doesn’t like to do anything, there are others where she cries and get stressed out a lot. She cannot work in the workforce anymore. She receives disability. She wants to work again but her doctor says that is not a very good idea. I don’t know our lives is ever going to get back to normal again but we are trying to take it day by day. All I can tell you we are happier now than where we were 11 years ago.

http://www.fcadv.org/projects-programs/trauma-mental-health-domestic-violence

Talk to Someone

I do not like talking to people about my problems and how I’m feeling because I find it embarrassing. I had to learn to talk to my mother about my feelings. In my experience holding things in may not be the best thing to do.If you keep things holding in for so long, you will explode. That’s why people need to talk to someone they trust. The people I have known that don’t talk to anyone about their problem are the ones who get angry easily, and the ones who hurt themselves. You can only hold things in for so long.

The people I know in my life who committed suicide did not talk to anyone about their problems until they had a suicide letter stating their problems, but then it’s too late. These people always had a smile on their face and pretended everything was fine. Then the next thing they took their own life.

That is why when you are depress and something is bothering you talk to someone.   So please if you are having a problem talk to someone you trust. You can also see a therapist. I have been seeing a therapist about two months now and that has helped me a lot. You can also talk to a school counselor.

Remember to talk to someone about your trouble, and it’s okay to cry. You will feel better at the end.

I am also aware that if you talk to a friend or family member about your problems they might judge you or not understand you. I’m going to write a blog about that in the future.

Let your Voice be Heard

The reason I’m writing this blog is because I wanted to make people aware of mental illness and abuse. I wrote this for people won’t have to feel ashamed to say I have a mental illness. I want to help myself and others overcome their trials. I hope this blog will motivate others to tell their stories. I want to give people hope. Especially teens and young adults

I just want to tell other to let your voice be heard. If you see something that needs to be talked about. Write about it or talk about it. I’m sick and tired of people that want us to keep our mouths shut about mental illness, eating disorders, sexuality, sexism, racism,other forms of discrimination, body image, abuse, and violence. People should tell their own stories if they are comfortable with it, and not feel ashamed. People are too scared to talk about these topics.  Tell your story. Let your voice be heard. Don’t let anyone take your voice away. You might help someone by telling your story.

Living With Depression: Overcoming the past.

Sorry for the typos I’m about to make.

I am a 19 year old girl with depression. This is my story. When I was a little girl, I was a happy kid. I was a normal kid. I felt normal. I thought I was in a happy family but my dad physically abused my mom and emotionally abused me. I thought it was normal. I figured out that this wasn’t right when the police came I almost thought what he was doing was normal. A couple of days after Easter, in 2003 something happened and we finally left. We left for good. We went to stay at a battered women’s shelter for a couple of months. I should add something before I go on my mother has anxiety, bipolar disorder, and depression. Her doctor says  that the abuse could have triggered it.

We left the shelter and found an apartment. She got an restraining order but I still had visitations with my dad. The plan was that he would pick me up at  my grandmas and drop me off.  Well, that plan went down the tubes. He found out where I went to school and where my mother and I lived. I don’t know what on earth happened to the restraining order. I don’t even know how he found us. He just did. He continued visitations with me. He picked me up from where I actually lived and dropped me off. Then the visitations just stopped after my mom had a surgery. November of 2004 he came one night unannounced. I got nervous. We were talking about school and stuff then he wanted to take me somewhere. My mom said no because she made dinner and it was time to eat. Then he just jumped on her and I yelled at my dad and told him to stop. He was choking her. I told him to leave and never come back. He stayed away. My mother got another restraining order and I never seen him again.

There is more to this story. Since the police, my mother, and I was afraid that he would come back. They told my principal and they emailed all of my teachers. When I went back to school after the incident my teachers looked at me with a sad face. It felt weird. Besides that incident the rest of middle school  was good. High school came along. It was hard. I didn’t do my best in most of my classes. I got depressed. I started cutting myself my freshman year. I felt that I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school. I didn’t trust a lot of people. I was diagnosed with depression and got on anti depressants. I am still  angry at my dad. I love and hate him at the same time. It’s weird. The weird thing is that my mom can move on from what he did to her but I still get angry about.

I just want you to know, if you are reading this and you are abusing your significant other or spouse. Please stop! If you can’t stop, break-up with them. If you two have children please stop abusing your spouse.

The reason why I am writing this blog is that I want people to see where depression comes from, for some people. I also wrote this blog because the anger of what happened  burst today. I cried all morning. I told my mom how I felt and I felt better. I should have talked to my mother a long time ago. Another reason why I wrote this blog is that a childhood friend of mine is getting married. She’s a few years older than me. Anyway there was this picture of the groom having his arms around his bride. They were hugging each other tightly in a loving way. They wanted his arms to show  him hugging her to symbolize that he would always protect her and she would always protect him. It was a beautiful picture. That picture got me thinking. I was thinking “Why didn’t my father protect my mother?” Instead he hurt her. I feel betrayed. I can never trust him again. I am trying to overcome the past and writing this blog help me. If you are suffering depression and/or domestic abuse, you are all in prayers.

P.S On a brighter note I’m getting treatment and tomorrow is a brand new day filled with hope. Don’t worry about me I’ll make it. I’m fine. Sorry for the typos.