Relationships: Loving Someone

* Excuse the typos

 

When you are a teenager you deal with a lot of changes. When you are an adult you still go through a lot of changes. There are so many things you wonder about your whole life. One of those questions are “What is Love?” I don’t think a lot of people know the actual definition of love. You can see this when 50% of marriages end up in divorce. While I hope most people get a divorce for the right reasons like spousal abuse or maybe trust issues but there are other people who get a divorce because they’re spouse is sick or because the spouse snoring or anything like that.

Do people still think love is only a feeling? Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice and, a action. A choice that bonds 2 people together like some kind of powerful force. Love is when you care about someone, you will do anything for them, and, take care of them. When you love someone, you are there for them. When you love someone you protect them. When you love someone you make sacrifices for them. Love is hard and, needs to be nurtured as years go on. Which is why a lot of teenagers break up and, don’t stay together. They are not ready to make those sacrifices and, make that kind of commitment.

“Love is like Friendship on Fire” from the movie The Perfect Man. The movie sucked but this quote is spot on and always stuck with me

You can’t expect love to be passionate and, romantic all the time. You have to have that friendship as the base. Once that fire burns out, that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. You can always start the romance back up again if you find the time but it doesn’t have to be anything big.

Sometimes I wonder if adults are ready for that kind of commitment. If they were, why do they get a divorce all the time. What is that teaching the next generation? “It’s fine to get married but if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay you can just get a divorce.”

Communication is key! Very good communication. Your need to communicate with your spouse. That could be a reason why a lot of people get a divorce. We have horrible communication skills. You should never yell or belittle anyone you love. If you do please stop. Talk it out.

Sacrifices: I will like to tell you two stories about sacrifice

There was this couple who met when they were teenagers. Lets name them Johnny and, Tiffany to keep their identities anonymous. They started dating in high school, and they fell in love. Tiffany family had to move away to another state but they did not break up. They started a long distance relationship. He drove over some weekends with his parents permission to visit her. That went on until they graduated from high school. When they became adults, they got married. Now they are married for 12 years and, have 2 kids. This story shows sacrifice in my opinion because Johnny and, Tiffany were young. Johnny had a choice to date other people and, so did Tiffany. Why would they make those kind of sacrifices at a young age? Because they loved each other and still do. They wanted to be together, so the did everything they could together.

Now the next story is about my experience with love and, sacrifice. I have this friend. Lets call him Dave. I had a crush on him all through high school. We laughed together, flirted, hung out etc. A year after we got out of high school, he told me he was gay. I was heartbroken, I thought we were going to get married. I had fantasies about us being together. In my head I had two choices. Stop being his friend because it hurt so much that I would never be with him, or keep on being his friend and, be there for him every step of the way. I let him go, but keep on being his friend. He was never going to like me the way that I liked him. If I was a true friend and, if I really cared about him, I had to continue to be his friend. It’s not his fault that he was gay. It was just the way it is. To me that was a sacrifice that I made. I wanted to stay his friend because I loved him. He was there for me when I needed him, so it was time for me to be there for him and, be supportive because I loved him.

People say true love hurts. While it shouldn’t hurt in an abusive way, it does hurt in other ways. Like when you find out your spouse or lover is terminally ill or if your spouse or lover dies. Or if your spouse or lover is just having a gloomy day and, they don’t want to talk to you about it yet. It hurts. It hurts to see the person you love sad. I can relate to that. I hated to see my mother cry. I loved her so much. I hated to see her in and, out of the mental hospital. I hated to see her be afraid of my dad. To see her like that really hurt me. It’s okay to admit that love hurts in that kind of way.

Everyone is capable of loving. Everyone is capable of being loved. Just because you have been abused or treated unfairly in a previous relationship you can love again. There are so many good people in this world than bad. I honestly think so and guarantee it. The only problem with a lot of people in this world today is they don’t know what love is and, they are cynical about it. Love is real!

You can see it when a parent holds their children hand walking to the park. You can see it when a brother tries to make his sister laugh at his jokes. You can see it at a soup kitchen where people give up there time to help other eat their meal. You can see it when a teenager teach an elementary school child how to read. You can see it when you see a person play with their dog. You can see it when a boyfriend decides to pick up his sweetie from work without complaining. You can see it everywhere. In a world where it feels like there is no hope, you can always find love.

You are ready to be in a committed relationship or even married if you love others because if you love others, treat others like decent human beings and, if you serve others in need without expecting anything in return. You are ready to find the love of your life because if you do those things for other. Imagine what you can do for your significant other.

Will you do something for me? If you have a crush on someone or interested in someone. Or maybe you just entered into a relationship. Don’t tell them that you love them that would be creepy but show them that you care and, show them that you love them because that is what love is a choice. They may not say it and, know how to express it in words but they would feel very warm inside. They will feel loved.

 

 

 

Mental Illness and, Domestic Violence: My Mothers Story

I will like to tell you another story about what happened in my childhood. My mother was a strong woman when I was little. She use to dress really nice and, she had a great career. She knew what she wanted and, in my eyes she was a fearless woman. Until the abuse began and, she started isolating herself and, was becoming worried a lot. She also had a lot of anxiety attacks and, there were days where she just stayed in bed. She also started to miss work and, she cry a lot. In 2001 or 2002 she was taken to the hospital. What happened was that she got in an “argument” with my father that day and, she was having an anxiety attack. She wanted to calm herself down and, she took too many pills. My neighbor at the time was worried so she took her to the hospital and my mom stayed there for a few days.

I was 8 years old at the time and, I was so worried. I think I cried the whole time she was away. This wasn’t the last time she went to the hospital. My mother has bipolar, depression, and, anxiety most likely because of the abuse. She takes 11 different medications. I also have depression and, I also have PTSD (Post traumatic stress).

My mom isn’t the only women who has an mental illness because of Domestic Violence. 50% of women who are living with mental illness suffered from some kind of trauma. That trauma can be sexual assault or physical abuse.

My mother is still a very strong woman.  There are some days she doesn’t like to do anything, there are others where she cries and get stressed out a lot. She cannot work in the workforce anymore. She receives disability. She wants to work again but her doctor says that is not a very good idea. I don’t know our lives is ever going to get back to normal again but we are trying to take it day by day. All I can tell you we are happier now than where we were 11 years ago.

http://www.fcadv.org/projects-programs/trauma-mental-health-domestic-violence

Things I do not want to hear about love

On my last post I written down why I’m scared to date. If you didn’t read that post hears the link https://angelhasajournal.wordpress.com/2014/04/23/afraid-to-have-my-heartbroken-the-affects-of-domestic-violence/

Because of that experience I had there are thing that people say that bother me really bad even if it’s true or not.

1.Love is a choice: When I hear this I hear that love is a burden. It kind of takes the magic out of love. It’s like saying you choose the person you love, you choose to marry them, and you stuck with them for life. If love is a choice, I could choose to love the man down the street. I don’t know a thing about him but I’m going to choose to love him and propose to him.
I wonder if I’m thinking too deep about the phrase love is a choice. Am I thinking too deep on it.

2. There is no such thing as soul mates there are a lot of people in the world: Though this statement may be true. it’s hard. I was kind of hoping if I prayed hard enough, God or the Universe will send me a guy that is not like my father. A guy who is patient, honest, loving, funny etc. But I’m going to have to work at relationship, I have to work at finding a guy if I want to be with a guy one day. I don’t trust myself or people that much, to rely on myself alone. It’s not much I want God to send me a man, I want him to point me to the right direction.

See those are my issues with this. Love should be exciting but for me it’s scary. Honestly, I can’t trust my own instincts if a guy is good or bad. I always doubt myself. I guess I have to take my journey in young adulthood and, learn to trust my instincts.

Afraid to have My Heartbroken: The affects of domestic violence

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I have this tremendous fear of relationships. I’m afraid that he would be a cheater, I’m afraid that he would be a jerk, I’m afraid that he would be abusive. Physical, emotional, and mental abusive. I don’t think a lot of people worry about that, they just dive right into relationships but I do. The reason why I’m afraid of relationships because my mother use to be in a abusive relationship with my father. I witness the abuse. I hate my dad and love him too. It is a strange feeling to hate and love someone. I feel that he ruin our lives. When my mother left my father, we had to go to a shelter. I was 10 years old at the time. When we left the shelter we had to go on welfare. Our church helped us out and, if it wasn’t for them I would not know where we will be. I had visitations with my dad for a year until one night, he came to our apartment unexpectedly, and he wanted to take me somewhere. My mother said no because she was making me a salad for dinner. My father didn’t like that and he got angry. They were arguing with one another and, then he punched her. He beat  her up really bad that night. The police came to the house and told my mom to file a restraining order. Haven’t seen him ever since. In November it would mark 10 years of not seeing my father.

After that experience you can say, I don’t trust many people. I don’t even trust them to be my friend. How can I trust to be in a relationship with anyone? I have friends but they wouldn’t understand the hurt I’ve been through. Their families are not perfect but they are both healthy and happy. They are not dysfunctional like mine. I can’t tell them about the pain. I see a therapist and, that works.

Well about my love life. I never had a boyfriend. That is not my choice, it just never happened. I never had a boyfriend on my 20 years on this earth. I have had crushes on guys before. One of the boys name was BM, he was my best friend but it turns out he was gay. Then I had a crush on was BB but he never paid any attention to me. I guess because of my experience I had with my father, I became unapproachable. Men don’t know exactly what happened in my life but they sense some kind of shyness or anger I have which makes me unapproachable to them. I think the real reason why I had a crush on BM because he was safe. I always knew he was gay even before he came out of the closet but I didn’t care. I was secretly hoping that he was just a really feminine straight guy but he was not. I was comfortable around him and, he was my friend I can be myself around and, that is why I developed feelings for him. He was nothing like my father at all. BB on the other hand scares me. He actually looks like a Calvin Klein model. The scary thing about BB is besides him being really sexy is that he reminds me of my father. He doesn’t look like my dad and I don’t think he is violent or abusive. It’s just that they share the same sense of humor and they are into the same kind of music which is rap music. My dad use to recite rap lyrics in the car. BB does the same. While BB is not abusive, my father and him share personality traits. It’s hard to explain. Even though BB is a nice guy, he just reminds me too much of my father and, I’m scared of that.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared to date and, that is not because I have social anxiety, it is because I can’t trust a person. People are like “You have to date! That is how you meet other people, and that is how you know if that person is good for you or not.” They may say things like you just need to look for the signs before you get into a relationship with or marry them even. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the abuse between my parents did not start until two years after they got married. Did your parent marry too young? Did your parent marry only 3 months after they met? No. My parent dated for 3 years before they got married. Both in their late 20s. My father started off to be charming and caring but he became an abuser.

Like I said, I see a therapist. While she can help me with overcoming what I been through. I feel that she can’t help me with read guys and know if the are abusive. She can’t help me be fooled by a mans charm. She can’t help me do those things. I actually want to date, and I actually want to be in a relationship but I am scared to do so.  That is not happening. I don’t trust myself to find a guy and, I don’t trust anyone. Well, I wrote this blog because I am not the only person who is going through this. I’m not the only one who is going through this and, someone can benefit from this. My father was the first man to break my heart. How many people can say that? There father was the first man to break their heart. He abused my mother. Most people say it’s been 10 years move on but I can’t he’s my dad. He’s the first man to hold me in his arms. Let me tell you something if the first man that broke your heart is your father, without professional help, you are messed up for life. At least that is how it feels, and it does feel that right now. When the first man that broke your heart is your father your relationship with men is messed up. Your relationship with people are messed up.

 

 

 

 

Forgiveness, closure and, moving on with my life

I am 20 years old and, I have resentment towards my father. My dad use to be a great dad and, husband. He use to give my mother roses for surprise. He use to carry  me on top of his shoulders. The problem is he had a dark side. He hurt me, and now I have an hole in my heart that I need to fix. He betrayed my trust. I use to be scared of him. I developed PTSD because of the experience I had with my father. That happened almost 10 years ago and, I am still not over it.

Years of therapy and, years to come to help me get over it. It is going to be hard for me to forgive my father. To get over what happened to my mother and, I. My father was the first man to break my heart. I will never understand why he did that. He wrote me a letter, and send me a facebook message but he never really apologized. He was always really manipulative. Because of the issues I had with my father I think it effected my relationships. I still love him and wish him the best but I don’t know how I will get over it.I guess I have to take one step at a time.

Double Standards: Age, Gender and, Sexual Harrassment

A couple of weeks ago, I have been watching this show called “Glee”. You know the corny show about the high school glee club. Sometimes glee can be corny, but other times it has some serious topics.This particular episode was when tone of the student named Ryder admitted that when he was 11 he molested by his babysitter who was an 17 year old girl. He said he didn’t even want to tell his parents because, he felt ashamed. Sam and Artie who are the other students said that they would want 17 year old girl to jump on them. They thought Ryder was the luckiest guy on the earth. They couldn’t understand why Ryder was complaining.

This episode made me think about how many guys fee this way. That men who accuse women of rape are pussies, and I feel that is misinformation. How many rapes committed by women that victimize young boys go unreported? If an eleven year old girl got raped by an seventeen year old boy, they would either call her a slut (Some guys are like that.) or they would be ready to put their hands on the guy who did it. It shouldn’t matter which gender get molested, both boys and, girls are the victims if they get molested.

I have another example on how we lake it lightly when a grown woman is with a teenage boy. There was this hit song that came out in the early 90s. It was called “Just Can’t Handle It”. It was sung by this teen R&B group called “Hi-Five” The first verse described how this 16 year old boy had a crush on an older women and, that happens. Then it got to the second verse and, in the second verse described how he skipped school, and went to her place. Then she started undress in front of him so, that makes him tempted because this 25 year old woman is so fine. (If you live in another country and, you don’t know what it means when you call a person fine. Fine= attractive or sexy). I think this song was a hit for a short time. It played at school dances and, kids sung along to it.But lets be honest if a girl was singing this song about a 25 year old man. Do you think people would be singing along with it. They would have thought the 25 year old man was a creep. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why kids like the song back then because it was catchy and danceable but I don’t think the song would have made it on the charts, I think it would have made it on the news if it was about a 16 year old girl, and a 25 year old man.

The bottom line is that we should stop making man feel ashamed if they are the victims of rape.  We should be more empathetic to all rape victims. I think society teaches that it is ok  for teenage boys to have sex with grown women. They would become man if they do that. Society also tries to teach us  that if you were raped as a little boy, you should feel ashamed. I think that’s what that episode of “Glee” was trying to point out. Society also teaches that if a young woman sleeps with another guy she is a the victim, a gold digger or, a slut. If a girl is raped she is a slut (some guys think that way) or the victim.

If you been raped you are in my prayers. It’s not your fault. If you are a rape survivor you are in my prayer, and I admire you so much for being strong.

To learn more info about rape go to:

http://rainn.org/

If you want to know about that episode of “Glee” go to:

http://rainn.org/news-room/glee-rainn-team-up-for-episode

Let your Voice be Heard

The reason I’m writing this blog is because I wanted to make people aware of mental illness and abuse. I wrote this for people won’t have to feel ashamed to say I have a mental illness. I want to help myself and others overcome their trials. I hope this blog will motivate others to tell their stories. I want to give people hope. Especially teens and young adults

I just want to tell other to let your voice be heard. If you see something that needs to be talked about. Write about it or talk about it. I’m sick and tired of people that want us to keep our mouths shut about mental illness, eating disorders, sexuality, sexism, racism,other forms of discrimination, body image, abuse, and violence. People should tell their own stories if they are comfortable with it, and not feel ashamed. People are too scared to talk about these topics.  Tell your story. Let your voice be heard. Don’t let anyone take your voice away. You might help someone by telling your story.