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Mental Illness and, Domestic Violence: My Mothers Story

I will like to tell you another story about what happened in my childhood. My mother was a strong woman when I was little. She use to dress really nice and, she had a great career. She knew what she wanted and, in my eyes she was a fearless woman. Until the abuse began and, she started isolating herself and, was becoming worried a lot. She also had a lot of anxiety attacks and, there were days where she just stayed in bed. She also started to miss work and, she cry a lot. In 2001 or 2002 she was taken to the hospital. What happened was that she got in an “argument” with my father that day and, she was having an anxiety attack. She wanted to calm herself down and, she took too many pills. My neighbor at the time was worried so she took her to the hospital and my mom stayed there for a few days.

I was 8 years old at the time and, I was so worried. I think I cried the whole time she was away. This wasn’t the last time she went to the hospital. My mother has bipolar, depression, and, anxiety most likely because of the abuse. She takes 11 different medications. I also have depression and, I also have PTSD (Post traumatic stress).

My mom isn’t the only women who has an mental illness because of Domestic Violence. 50% of women who are living with mental illness suffered from some kind of trauma. That trauma can be sexual assault or physical abuse.

My mother is still a very strong woman.  There are some days she doesn’t like to do anything, there are others where she cries and get stressed out a lot. She cannot work in the workforce anymore. She receives disability. She wants to work again but her doctor says that is not a very good idea. I don’t know our lives is ever going to get back to normal again but we are trying to take it day by day. All I can tell you we are happier now than where we were 11 years ago.

http://www.fcadv.org/projects-programs/trauma-mental-health-domestic-violence

Mental Illness and, Domestic Violence: My Mothers Story

I will like to tell you another story about what happened in my childhood. My mother was a strong woman when I was little. She use to dress really nice and, she had a great career. She knew what she wanted and, in my eyes she was a fearless woman. Until the abuse began and, she started isolating herself and, was becoming worried a lot. She also had a lot of anxiety attacks and, there were days where she just stayed in bed. She also started to miss work and, she cry a lot. In 2001 or 2002 she was taken to the hospital. What happened was that she got in an “argument” with my father that day and, she was having an anxiety attack. She wanted to calm herself down and, she took too many pills. My neighbor at the time was worried so she took her to the hospital and my mom stayed there for a few days.

I was 8 years old at the time and, I was so worried. I think I cried the whole time she was away. This wasn’t the last time she went to the hospital. My mother has bipolar, depression, and, anxiety most likely because of the abuse. She takes 11 different medications. I also have depression and, I also have PTSD (Post traumatic stress).

My mom isn’t the only women who has an mental illness because of Domestic Violence. 50% of women who are living with mental illness suffered from some kind of trauma. That trauma can be sexual assault or physical abuse.

My mother is still a very strong woman.  There are some days she doesn’t like to do anything, there are others where she cries and get stressed out a lot. She cannot work in the workforce anymore. She receives disability. She wants to work again but her doctor says that is not a very good idea. I don’t know our lives is ever going to get back to normal again but we are trying to take it day by day. All I can tell you we are happier now than where we were 11 years ago.

http://www.fcadv.org/projects-programs/trauma-mental-health-domestic-violence

The Lie: You need a boyfriend to make you happy

All my life I heard things about relationship. I always heard things that if you don’t have a boyfriend by a certain deadline, you were deemed to be unworthy. I feel that society teaches us that if we don’t have affection from a guy you are missing out on something. I for one never been asked out on a date and, I’m almost 21 years old. I feel like everyone has or had a boyfriend and, the experience something that I haven’t. I feel like I’m missing out on something. To most teenagers going on your first date is a rite of passage and, I feel a little immature and, inexperienced compared to my peers. They all been in relationships before and I haven’t.

Every girl believes they need a boyfriend to make them happy. We believe that we need a boyfriend or a bunch of guys after us to feel validated and, a guy to make us feel beautiful. That is not true. The reason why we think this is because of Disney Movies and shows that are aimed to girls. They always talk about boys and women who wants to be in relationships and, thinks it’s the end of the world if they don’t have a boyfriend. In fairy tales  you have prince charming always saving the princess, and I think that kind of give girls the idea that they need a man to feel beautiful. There are also shows like Being Mary Jane and Sex and, the City where relationships are the top priority for these women. In both shows you have women with successful careers but they are worrying about men who don’t really care about them. Scandal is another example. A woman that has a great career. While her career is he top priority, her other priority is sleeping with a married man who is the president of the United States. This is probably why women feel that they need a man to make them happy.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t watch Disney movies or TV shows about women and, relationships. All I’m saying is that we need more diverse lifestyles in the media. I think we need to teach girls that they don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Teach them that it is okay to have other goals in their life, like education, career, and hobbies.

The point is that you don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. You don’t even need a career to be happy. The thing that will make you happy is accepting yourself. You don’t need to be validated for a man. You don’t need a boyfriend to make you feel beautiful. A boyfriend enriches your life but it’s not his job to make you happy. His job is to love you and, be there for you, that is it.  Being single is not a disease, and it is okay. Nothing is wrong with you.

Things I do not want to hear about love

On my last post I written down why I’m scared to date. If you didn’t read that post hears the link https://angelhasajournal.wordpress.com/2014/04/23/afraid-to-have-my-heartbroken-the-affects-of-domestic-violence/

Because of that experience I had there are thing that people say that bother me really bad even if it’s true or not.

1.Love is a choice: When I hear this I hear that love is a burden. It kind of takes the magic out of love. It’s like saying you choose the person you love, you choose to marry them, and you stuck with them for life. If love is a choice, I could choose to love the man down the street. I don’t know a thing about him but I’m going to choose to love him and propose to him.
I wonder if I’m thinking too deep about the phrase love is a choice. Am I thinking too deep on it.

2. There is no such thing as soul mates there are a lot of people in the world: Though this statement may be true. it’s hard. I was kind of hoping if I prayed hard enough, God or the Universe will send me a guy that is not like my father. A guy who is patient, honest, loving, funny etc. But I’m going to have to work at relationship, I have to work at finding a guy if I want to be with a guy one day. I don’t trust myself or people that much, to rely on myself alone. It’s not much I want God to send me a man, I want him to point me to the right direction.

See those are my issues with this. Love should be exciting but for me it’s scary. Honestly, I can’t trust my own instincts if a guy is good or bad. I always doubt myself. I guess I have to take my journey in young adulthood and, learn to trust my instincts.

Afraid to have My Heartbroken: The affects of domestic violence

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I have this tremendous fear of relationships. I’m afraid that he would be a cheater, I’m afraid that he would be a jerk, I’m afraid that he would be abusive. Physical, emotional, and mental abusive. I don’t think a lot of people worry about that, they just dive right into relationships but I do. The reason why I’m afraid of relationships because my mother use to be in a abusive relationship with my father. I witness the abuse. I hate my dad and love him too. It is a strange feeling to hate and love someone. I feel that he ruin our lives. When my mother left my father, we had to go to a shelter. I was 10 years old at the time. When we left the shelter we had to go on welfare. Our church helped us out and, if it wasn’t for them I would not know where we will be. I had visitations with my dad for a year until one night, he came to our apartment unexpectedly, and he wanted to take me somewhere. My mother said no because she was making me a salad for dinner. My father didn’t like that and he got angry. They were arguing with one another and, then he punched her. He beat  her up really bad that night. The police came to the house and told my mom to file a restraining order. Haven’t seen him ever since. In November it would mark 10 years of not seeing my father.

After that experience you can say, I don’t trust many people. I don’t even trust them to be my friend. How can I trust to be in a relationship with anyone? I have friends but they wouldn’t understand the hurt I’ve been through. Their families are not perfect but they are both healthy and happy. They are not dysfunctional like mine. I can’t tell them about the pain. I see a therapist and, that works.

Well about my love life. I never had a boyfriend. That is not my choice, it just never happened. I never had a boyfriend on my 20 years on this earth. I have had crushes on guys before. One of the boys name was BM, he was my best friend but it turns out he was gay. Then I had a crush on was BB but he never paid any attention to me. I guess because of my experience I had with my father, I became unapproachable. Men don’t know exactly what happened in my life but they sense some kind of shyness or anger I have which makes me unapproachable to them. I think the real reason why I had a crush on BM because he was safe. I always knew he was gay even before he came out of the closet but I didn’t care. I was secretly hoping that he was just a really feminine straight guy but he was not. I was comfortable around him and, he was my friend I can be myself around and, that is why I developed feelings for him. He was nothing like my father at all. BB on the other hand scares me. He actually looks like a Calvin Klein model. The scary thing about BB is besides him being really sexy is that he reminds me of my father. He doesn’t look like my dad and I don’t think he is violent or abusive. It’s just that they share the same sense of humor and they are into the same kind of music which is rap music. My dad use to recite rap lyrics in the car. BB does the same. While BB is not abusive, my father and him share personality traits. It’s hard to explain. Even though BB is a nice guy, he just reminds me too much of my father and, I’m scared of that.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared to date and, that is not because I have social anxiety, it is because I can’t trust a person. People are like “You have to date! That is how you meet other people, and that is how you know if that person is good for you or not.” They may say things like you just need to look for the signs before you get into a relationship with or marry them even. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but the abuse between my parents did not start until two years after they got married. Did your parent marry too young? Did your parent marry only 3 months after they met? No. My parent dated for 3 years before they got married. Both in their late 20s. My father started off to be charming and caring but he became an abuser.

Like I said, I see a therapist. While she can help me with overcoming what I been through. I feel that she can’t help me with read guys and know if the are abusive. She can’t help me be fooled by a mans charm. She can’t help me do those things. I actually want to date, and I actually want to be in a relationship but I am scared to do so.  That is not happening. I don’t trust myself to find a guy and, I don’t trust anyone. Well, I wrote this blog because I am not the only person who is going through this. I’m not the only one who is going through this and, someone can benefit from this. My father was the first man to break my heart. How many people can say that? There father was the first man to break their heart. He abused my mother. Most people say it’s been 10 years move on but I can’t he’s my dad. He’s the first man to hold me in his arms. Let me tell you something if the first man that broke your heart is your father, without professional help, you are messed up for life. At least that is how it feels, and it does feel that right now. When the first man that broke your heart is your father your relationship with men is messed up. Your relationship with people are messed up.